31 December 2004

I’m in the mood for a bit of navel-gazing (bloody New Year's Eve) so if this is likely to make you puke, best go elsewhere. No-one should have to start the new year in a vomitous way.

I wasn’t going to post anything tonight, scared it’d be obvious I’m the only person in the universe at home on New Years Eve. But I was out walking with the dogs an hour ago and noticed that down the hill and across the creek, a neighbour is out slashing his top paddock (ie. mowing with a tractor). I’ve never met him or his family (by road they live about 10 kilometres away), but they are reportedly cool and unquestionably social, so I suddenly feel better about being here. Also during the week I heard Kerry O’Keeffe at the cricket saying he thinks New Years Eve is overrated. So! Good enough for me. Here I am. At home. New Years Eve.

I think I used to be cool, and I’m hoping to be again, I’m just nowhere near it at the moment. I don’t know how this happened, how my life ground to a halt in this manner, sometime years ago. It wasn’t anything traumatic - there’s no event which ruined my life or anything. It'd be easier if there had been. It’d be something other than me to blame. But there isn’t anything else to blame: it’s my fault. Lack of oomph, or courage, or vision. I’m going to get out of this slump and start living again, but while I’m here I just wanted to look around for a minute. 2004. This is where I am.

I’m sorry this has become so horrifyingly personal all of a sudden, and actually, let’s just stop right here. I just wanted to say for anybody else who might be starting their life anew in some way (and it’s New Years Eve: in a calendar-type way we’re all starting again), there’s more of us in the same boat than maybe you realise. Hello!

And if you’re going out tonight, well, go you good thing! Have a good one.

Here's to 2005. New day, new year. It’s coming, ready or not.