Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Looking ahead

The end of the year always feels big to me, like it's more important than the rest of the year. I don't like this feeling - it feels like pressure - but I don't seem able to talk myself out of it, either. So. Pressure.

Mainly it's about account-keeping, looking back over the past year, wondering what I've done, and looking forward to the next year, wondering what I should be doing next. For years now it's felt like I've been wasting my time, and sad to say, not without reason. I have been wasting my time. Not deliberately, or not by design, I just seem incapable of living properly at the moment. Damn it. I don't want to get too expansive about the whole thing, it'd just be depressing, but suffice it to say that looking back over this year doesn't fill my heart with delirious joy.

Still, no point in moping about it, is there? Ordinarily I would, of course, just not today :) I need something to look forward to, something that might act as a small step towards a new sort of life, and with this in mind I've been looking into distance education. Just one or two units, to see how it goes. I haven't found anything overwhelmingly interesting yet, but maybe that's more about my state of mind, rather than the units offered. (And just by the way, I went traipsing through many websites the other day - looking at TAFEs, Open Universities Australia, and universities - to see what's available for external students. One of the sites, for the University of Adelaide, is impressive for a rather remarkable reason. Most others give information for prospective undergraduate, postgraduate and international students, but the mighty U of A site gives information for a whole range of people, including... wait for it... Temporary Protection Visa Holders ie. refugees. I nearly cried when I saw that. God bless 'em.)

Anyway, I might kind of, maybe, possibly be telling you about this prospective study adventure so that I'll be less inclined to squirm out of actually taking action and enrolling in something. I'm throwing my hat over the wall, in other words: Next Year I Am Going To Enrol In Something. It will be done. I hope. And when I stop hoping, I will think of this post and go ahead and do it anyway.